


As I Approach That Cliff, I'm Starting To Feel

by DefaltManifesto



Series: Becoming a Pack [24]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Dissociation, Good Guy Scott McCall, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-05
Updated: 2014-09-05
Packaged: 2018-02-16 06:59:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2260254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles wants to be better. He tries to be better. Scott doesn't know how to tell Stiles he can see through his act.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As I Approach That Cliff, I'm Starting To Feel

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to end on a happy note, but then I decided, nah. Title taken from Cemetery by Say Anything.

[The tumblr](http://schizzar.tumblr.com)

 

Scott woke up somewhere between midnight and dawn with Stiles crying silently on the bed beside him, curled away towards Scott's bathroom door. It had been four days since Derek and the others had returned and four days since he'd gone to Stiles' and the other boy had confessed what he and Erica had been doing. Ever since, Stiles spent his nights with Scott. After all, it was nighttime that troubled Stiles the most, because that was the time when it was easiest for the self-loathing thoughts to creep their way inside.

For a few moments, Scott let Stiles cry on his own, but then he rolled over and looped an arm over Stiles' waist. Stiles almost shifted away and then seemed to think better of it and twisted to face Scott head on and loop his arms around Scott's neck.

Scott shifted onto his back, pulling Stiles with him. Stiles' tears were hot and wet on his neck and Scott slid one of his hands up and down Stiles' back, letting the other work through what was in his head on his own. There was nothing to say, after all, that he hadn't already said.

 

-.-

 

When Stiles' woke, his eyes were swollen and sore and the flashes of his nightmares still flickered against the back of his eyelids. Scott's arm was heavy across his waist. He laid his hand over Scott's and twisted their fingers together. Scott brushed his nose against the back of Stiles' neck in response but otherwise remained still. A part of Stiles felt guilty that he was here and not with Danny instead, and yet he couldn't bring himself to go to anyone but Scott.

Perhaps it had something to do with familiarity. After everything, Stiles wanted nothing more than what was old and familiar and safe, which for him was basically the definition of Scott McCall.

"I'm not gonna be able to do this once school starts up again," Stiles said.

"That is true. I'll just start sneaking into your place," Scott said.

"Yeah? I don't want your grades to slip because of me."

"I sleep better next to you anyways, it'll be fine. You just tell me when you need me," Scott said.

Stiles made a noncommittal noise and then rolled out of bed. "I need to talk to Danny too. I've pretty much been avoiding him the last four days."

"Why? Did you guys fight?"

"No, no. Not yet anyways," Stiles said.

He glanced over his shoulder as Scott sat up and then fled to the bathroom, kicking the door shut behind him. He had felt the tension brewing between him and Danny for nearly a month. Stiles figured he knew what it was about too. Despite everything that had happened, Danny still hovered on the outskirts of the pack, hesitant in his actions as though he wasn't sure he'd truly been accepted. It was different for Stiles. Something about killing for the pack cemented the bond he'd felt simmering between himself and everyone else, and in his desperate need to feel loved despite what he'd done, he'd thrown himself into it, into Scott and Erica and even Boyd.

What Stiles wanted and Danny wanted had changed. He knew that, but just because he knew it didn't mean he wanted to talk about it because if he talked about it, losing Danny became inevitable. Of course, pushing Danny away and practically ignoring him wasn't helpful either.

Scott pushed the door open when Stiles was halfway done washing his face. Stiles looked into the mirror as he straightened, meeting Scott's eyes through their reflections. A sigh pushed through Scott's lips and he hooked his chin over Stiles' shoulder.

"What are you running from?" Scott asked. He still held Stiles' gaze through the mirror.

"Losing people I care about." The words squeezed out of his tight chest and his gaze flickered down to stare at the sink instead. "I don't...I'm caring too much and I'm not supposed to. I've only ever cared about you and my dad, Scott, and that...that's easy. You were there before my mom...."

Stiles stopped, unable to finish the thought because sure, he knew why it was that he didn't want to care. He couldn't open himself up to that sort of hurt again, that pain and loss. At least, that's what Stiles had told himself over and over again growing up and yet here he was, the pack bond a humming presence deep in the back of his mind but there all the same. There despite everything he had done. He cared deeply for people he was never meant to and at the thought of losing any of them, he couldn't help but freeze up. He didn't know how to stop it.

"You really gotta talk to Danny if you got this inside eating you alive," Scott said. "I can help if you want."

Stiles looked up to meet Scott's eyes again through the mirror. "No, I should probably talk to him on my own."

"Alright. You know you got me if you need me though, right?"

Stiles nodded.

"Good, so what about that shower then?"

"You wanna join?" Stiles asked, more than willing to let a bit of pleasure blot out the general anxiety burning in his chest.

Scott pressed his lips to Stiles' neck, lips curving into a smile as he did so. "Of course I do."

Stiles turned in Scott's arms and pressed their lips together so he wouldn't have to look into the other's eyes. He was afraid that if he did, Scott would be able to see his hesitation and the dark thoughts that were still circling around in his head despite his eagerness to distract himself. He kissed Scott hard, biting at his lower lip and then sliding his fingers through Scott's hair. His fingers curled and he tugged hard, forcing Scott's head back so he could start kissing Scott's throat instead, wanting to keep the other distracted so he wouldn't see what Stiles was really thinking and feeling.

That plan didn't work as well as he hoped though. As they shed their boxers and climbed into the shower, the water blistering hot, Scott pinned him to the shower wall and stared deep into his eyes. Stiles squirmed beneath his grip, but eventually he relented, letting Scott look at him to his heart's content, wondering what it was he saw there and dreading the inevitable look of pity Scott seemed to be throwing his way more and more.

But he didn't get that this time. After a few more moments, Scott pushed their lips together and snuck in close again, hips slotting together as he ran his hands down Stiles' sides, which were still littered with healing bruises. Stiles watched, breathless, as Scott pulled away from his lips and began to trace over the marks with his mouth and fingers, the harsh spray of the water turning his skin a flushed red as his cock hardened from Scott's attention to detail.

Like Erica, Scott seemed to realize he _wanted_ the pain, and sure they could argue that Stiles' reasons were wrong, but Scott was still going to give him what he wanted. Blunt teeth scraped over the bruises, then bit hard over one that was along Stiles' ribs. Stiles twisted his hands in Scott's wet locks of hair, hips jerking up. Scott seemed to get the message and moved completely onto his knees before taking Stiles' dick in his mouth, bobbing down over just the first half before sliding back up to suck at the tip, tongue playing with the slit.

One hand secured itself over a bruise on Stiles' hip, gripping hard enough to send a dull, beautiful ache washing through Stiles' in lazy waves. Scott's other hand drifted up to press into the smaller bruises, lighter touches than the harsh grip on his hip, but it was enough to have Stiles' eyes nearly rolling back as he let his hips thrust up into Scott's mouth. Scott let him do it and when Stiles' finally had the ability to look down at him, Scott was looking at him with that eager to please look he always had whenever he was comforting someone.

It made Stiles' gut twist. Because that's all this was; Scott trying to comfort him. He closed his eyes again and focused on the warmth of Scott's mouth and the warmth of the water sliding over his skin and the edge of pain that made it all so much more bearable. All he had to do was convince Scott it was working, convince him that he was okay. Then convince Danny of the same thing. Then they could all pretend none of this had ever happened in the first place.

When he came, he barely felt it, but he let out a few moans for Scott's benefit. Scott kissed his way back up Stiles' chest, his touches lighter now that Stiles' had seemingly got what he wanted. Stiles kissed him back when Scott pressed their lips together, even smiled into it as the water poured down around them. The mask was easy to put on. He got Scott off with his hand and then kicked him out, wanting to finish the shower on his own.

Scott didn't seem to mind, just giving his own body a cursory go over with the soap before hopping out. Stiles waited until he was gone before grabbing the soap off the small shelf. As he washed his body, he made a point of digging his thumbs into the dark marks on his body, pushing until he had to muffle his gasp of pain in his arm.

 

-.-

 

"Friggen finally. I've been trying to give you space but seriously, I've been needing to talk to you."

Stiles' hand tightened on his phone at Danny's words as he flopped back onto his bed. "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. Boyd said I should've said something to you."

"He told me the same thing," Danny said, and Stiles could hear his smile in the words.

"You should...go first." Stiles felt breathless, almost like he was teetering on the edge of a panic attack.

"Right, okay, so I wanted to talk about you're relationships with Erica and Scott and I guess...us in general. I'm cool with it you know, you being with other people. I just...don't want the same for me."

Stiles frowned. It wasn't the break up he'd been fearing, which was definitely a positive, but it wasn't exactly a good thing either. "I...don't get what you mean."

"I just mean that you're happy having all these people to love and be with but I'm not. I only want you. Not you and Scott, or you and Erica, just you. I don't want to have more than you but I don't want to disappoint you either so if you want to break up with me, I get it," Danny said.

"Jesus," Stiles said, voice escaping him in a shaky laugh. "I'm not going to break up with you. I thought you were going to do that because I _can't_ just be with you."

Danny snorted. "Of course I wouldn't. I know how much they help you and how much you love them. I'd never ask you to give that up."

"You do realize it goes both ways right? I'm not going to leave you because you _don't_ want to be with the rest of the pack like that," Stiles said. "To be honest, I wish I only cared about a few people. That'd be easier than worrying about losing all of you."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that..." Stiles wiped a hand down his face. "I just am not used to caring this much about so many people. I mean I...I killed for you guys. For everyone, because I care about them but I've spent such a long time not caring because caring always gets you hurt, even if you're caring about the ones you're supposed to."'        

"So what do you want, Stiles?" Danny asked, voice quiet through the small speaker. "Are you saying you don't want to be with anyone or friends with anyone ever?"

"I did okay like that for a while," Stiles mumbled. "Scott and my dad were more than enough until the last two years."

"But are you happier now?"

Stiles stared up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I'm sorry Danny, I just don't."    

"That's fine. I think...maybe you need to really think about this for a while, and I mean really think about it. If you wanted out after all of this, I'm not sure anyone would blame you," Danny said.

"But if I leave I can't protect them."          

"That's true too," Danny said.

"Shit. I wish I didn't need you all so much. I wish I could just handle all this on my own," Stiles said.

"It's not a bad thing to need us Stiles. We can protect ourselves and you can help. You're not going to lose us."

"That's what my mom said."

"Shit, Stiles."

Stiles shut his eyes, hating that the words popped out before he could think them through. His urge to repress his actual emotions was greater than ever, and yet all that came out of his mouth were the thoughts he worked so hard to keep in his head. It was maddening.

"Is that what you're freaking out about?"

"Yeah....yeah pretty much. I was next to her when she died you know? Just me. Dad was out taking care of this car pile up or something so it was just me and I watched her die. I can't...I'm not _supposed_ to care because then I'll have to experience that all over again, and Danny, I really don't think I can do it."

Stiles bit the inside of his cheek when his voice cracked. His emotions were running too close to the surface now and it made him feel open, exposed, and he was _so freaking alone_ , even with Danny's voice in his ear.

"Stiles, do you need me to come over?"

"No, no I'm fine. Just. Overwhelmed I guess."

"Why don't we talk about what you wanted to tell me? I don't want to upset you anymore if I'm not there."

"Pretty sure that's unavoidable at this point," Stiles said. "Plus, I think you're going to be...pretty pissed with me."

"Still gonna love you," Danny said.

Stiles didn't bother speaking to that. "So...I stopped doing it but Scott and Boyd thought it was best if I actually told you what happened."

"Stop dancing around it already."

"Right." Stiles took a deep breath. "So I've been going out and like. Purposely getting the shit kicked out of me. Mostly I avoided face shots because you know, that's noticeable or whatever. I was doing it because of my...guilt. And to feel like I was in danger."

"Stiles-"

"Just let me finish alright?" Stiles winced at his hostile tone and took another steadying breath. "I've been feeling disconnected, you know? So...being in danger, fighting for my life...it forced me to be present and at the same time I got to be punished for what I did. So yeah. That's it. I stopped though so don't like, totally freak out on me."

The other line remained silent for way too long in Stiles' opinion. It was nice to have the truth out there, he couldn't deny that, but Danny's silent made him feel panicked again, like he'd finally fucked it all up for good.

"Are you okay now?"

"Well...I still sorta...hate myself but my bruises are almost gone?"

"Christ, Stiles." Danny's voice cracked and Stiles realized with a start that the other had started crying.

"Crap, Danny, I'm sorry. Seriously. I'm just trying to work through some shit-"

"Then why didn't you come to me?"

"Because I'm not used to this whole 'I actually have friends' shit! I don't know how to rely on people, Danny, but I am trying I swear," Stiles said.

"I just feel like you don't trust me, Stiles," Danny said, voice steadier. "At least not as much as I trust you."

"I'm learning. Or trying to. I'm sorry Danny."

"Just...promise to come to me, yeah? It doesn't even have to be me, just go to someone before it gets that bad."

"I will. I think you guys will all be watching me too close anyways," Stiles said.

"Yeah, well we have a good reason to."

"Can't argue with that. So...still love me."

"No shit I do. Don't be dense."

Stiles let out a heavy sigh, finally releasing all the tight tension that had built up in his chest. "Good. That's good."

"You gonna be okay now?" Danny asked.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go over to Scott's. You okay? I know I did the crazy shit, but you had to listen to it," Stiles said.

"I'm fine. I'll let you know if I'm not, but you gotta do the same, okay?"

"Got it."          

There was a beat of silence, and then, "I love you Stiles."

"Love you too, Danny."

 

-.-

 

Scott cursed and resisted the urge to throw his controller at Stiles, who was currently doubled over laughing at Scott's blunder that of course resulted in Stiles winning. Again.

"You'd think those werewolf reflexes would translate to video games after almost two years, but you still suck at Modern Warfare. So disappointed," Stiles said with a grin.

"Yeah, you look positively heartbroken. Dick."

Of course, Scott wasn't really angry. He was just glad Stiles was actually laughing and smiling. There was still a darkness in his eyes, a deep pain Scott wasn't sure would ever be gone, but if Stiles could find some enjoyment from the little things, he didn't mind counting that as a victory.

"How'd that talk with Danny go?" Scott asked.

Stiles sighed and leaned back against the living room couch after setting his own controller on the ground. "Okay. I guess. I feel...kinda like a scumbag. I don't mean to make you guys feel like I don't trust you, because I definitely do."

"He said it felt like you didn't?"

"Yeah."

"I'll welcome him to the club then. We got 'Stiles Stilinski doesn't trust me' shirts," Scott said, earning himself an elbow to the side. "He is right, though. When you hide stuff like that and try and deal with it on your own, we can't help feeling that way."

"Sometimes I gotta figure shit out on my own though. I need personal space too." It wasn't a lie exactly, but there was a false note in Stiles' voice that Scott didn't want to think too hard about.

"Sure, but this wasn't one of those times," Scott said instead.

He leveled Stiles with a stare, which for the first time in a long while, Stiles actually met without hesitation.

"I know. I'll try not to fuck that up again."

"We'll forgive you if you do. No pressure."

Stiles' resulting smile was a bit less enthusiastic, but Scott didn't call him out on it. "Alright."           


End file.
